2. John Egbert (Homestuck)
3. Rose Lalonde (Homestuck)
4. Cristina Yang (Grey’s Anatomy)
5. Troy Barnes (Community)
6. The Old Spice Man (requires no introduction)
7. Karkat Vantas (Homestuck)
8. Hyacinthe Cohen (Spin State)
9. Benjamin Sisko (Star Trek: Deep Space 9)
10. Abed Nadir (Community)
11. a spankbot (DC Comics (if it is a Superman Spankbot))
12. Amanda Waller (DC Comics)
13. Alice Morgan (Luther)
14. Agatha Heterodyne (Girl Genius)
15. Cassandra Cain (DC Comics)
In addition to their current identities, The Old Spice Man and Rose Lalonde are both researchers in the field of deception analysis. Are they friendly colleagues and co-authors, or do they hate each other's guts?
I suppose... the field of making a man smell like he uses a line of manly-scented soaps... and not a similar but lady-scented line of soaps... could in some respects be “deception analysis”? At least that is what Rose’s Mom claimed when she told the Old Spice Man she required his assistance with some experiments she had in mind.
*cnat forgot the scare quots
On hearing of this, Rose writes up a 20 page application on why it is actually *Rose* who is the premiere expert in the field of deception analysis (The general gist, buried under twenty layers of over-sweetened passive aggressive language is: it’s because 13 years of living with you has broken me, Mother.)
And Mom Lalonde is like ...Sure Rose, godo point, you’re def the best at whatever that nonsense I said was. I will have to go make some new kid firendly “experiments” to try insted.
Rose seethes at the slight to her significant maturity levels hidden under all that deception, damn she *is* good.
A dating website attempts to find a romantic match for a spankbot. Out of all the other fourteen participants, who would be the most suitable? The least?
D:< Alas I bring these things upon myself truly.
I originally had a much longer splurge here but milkshake_b reminded me about the *dating website* piece of the question, whereas what I was answering was just “who wins at really liking spankings?”:
MB: I mean, if you're looking for a casual relationship that meets your needs, Spankbot should be easy enough to place. "Man in Superman suit enjoys spanking. Serious inquiries only."
What a good universe this turned out to be.
Anyway, I had originally passed the sensation-play trophy to Alice Morgan, but if we’re adding in the likelihood of responding to that missive our champion becomes... even more definitely Alice Morgan. Congrats on your spankbot, Alice.
And as a bonus, I feel loads better knowing Alice is dating a soulless mechanical sextoy rather than, like, a person who can get murdered.
The true winner here: everyone.
Benjamin Sisko, Abed Nadir, and Cassandra Cain go out for drinks. What kind of drinks are served, and where do all three find themselves in the morning?
Oooo those glowing blue ones they have in Star Trek land, served in upside down candle holders. Where they awake. Well.
Have we here all read Le Petit Prince? “Look up at the sky. Ask yourselves: is it yes or no? Has the sheep eaten the flower? And you will see how everything changes...”
After the past days adventure, Abed either awakes to see Sisko and Cass in the holodeck or
in the dreamatorium.
Is Agatha Heterodyne religious?
I, uh. Hmm. I am not entirely sure how god-religion works in the Girl Genius universe.
Anyway, what Agatha believes in is SCIENCE!!!! Which means she is her own messianistic figure in her life. It is that sort of epic.
Kara Zor-El ordered a hamburger without any onions, yet when they received said hamburger it has onions anyway. How do they respond?
But why she didn’t want the onions to begin with? Is it because she is under the influence of Red Kryptonite that if combined with the odor-molecules in onions will cause her to emit alien pheromones that turn every human in the immediate radius into a woolly mammoth with giant blue lobster pinchers instead of tusks?
If so, she responds with a world-weary sigh and uses super-breath to cools the hamburger serving establishment so the close packed suddenly woolly mammoths don’t overheat before the effect wears off which they are really appreciative about, even considering it is her fault to begin with and also super onion-breath.
(Meanwhile, in a back corner, a woman from Rann who was waiting for the right time to explain to her date that she wasn’t human, finds herself instead having to explain why she’s not a woolly mammoth with giant blue lobster pinchers instead of tusks.)
For reasons too complicated to go into right now, Cristina Yang and Karkat Vantas have to get married. What do they wear, and what kind of ceremony do they have?
Cristina Yang if you keep macking on these poor boys I am going to stop inviting you back to these things I swear to god.
Okay probably this is the continuing adventures of Cristina Yang is babysitting Karkat Vantas and John Egbert and a spankbot that is not a superman spankbot: together they.... solve absolutely no crimes at all whatsoever.
As an essential part of their clue gathering endeavours, they go to the ice cream shop and Karkat spends like an entire hour picking the right flavour of ice cream. After grilling the shop proprietor about how she can be sure the nut-free flavours are nut-free enough to definitely not kill John via nut-allergy, Karkat sets out to taste test every single one on offer, even “lavender wasabi” and “durian chunk cookie dough”, and eventually his hilarious reactions to them don’t make up for the fact that, seriously dude! an hour. John and Cristina have already eaten 3 ice creams apiece. (Although I suppose by volume, so has Karkat. Maybe he’s onto something.)
So they are finally leaving, but a car zooms past them at the first crosswalk. Karkat shouts after it, gesticulating wildly, and by this process flings his scoop of ice cream into oncoming traffic where it is irretrievable (and almost causes a three car pileup but whatever).
The point is that Karkat’s tantrum about the car turns into a tantrum about ice cream, and a fed up Cristina Yang grabs the top scoop of hers and plops it with force onto Karkat’s empty cone. He is surprised enough by this that he actually shuts up. (It helps that Cristina is still bad at hiding her common “I wonder what his insides would look like” daydream - he keeps an eye towards her for sudden movements. Troll kids aren’t naturally trusting of adults.)
This would lead to a happy ending, except that as Karkat nibbles, wide eyed, on his new ice cream ball grooved with the imprints of a surgeon’s strong, blood-drenched fingers... John giggles at him and informs him that by obscure human law, he and Cristina Yang are now officially married! Which is such obvious bullshit, John is bullshitting him and Karkat is not going to fall for it this time, but nope! Sorry, Karkat, it is a valid and totally real Earth tradition. Cristina, back John up on this!
Cristina backs John up.
Karkat maintains he does not believe them, but by the time they return to home base, he is edging into a panic attack. (Karkat, you knew John was joking. Obviously Karkat knew. It’s just that the air is really fucking thin up here, Karkat is surprised *John* hasn’t kneeled over already from the effort of pushing oxygen into his underdeveloped chest sacs. Okay one, that is very unlikely as John is a *wind god* and two, Karkat is still on the ground floor and three, John had been under the impression that “chest sacs” was Karkat for “boobs” and now John is concerned about how Karkat thinks human biology works.)
Then Cristina reaches over to check Karkat’s vital signs (and maybe figure out a bit of alien throat structure, if that happens as a side product, who would take issue?) and this really doesn’t help him calm down.
Bounty hunters are sent to hunt down Amanda Waller and bring them to justice. Do the hunters succeed?
Mxyzptlk turns a spankbot into a ceiling fan. Do Karkat Vantas and Alice Morgan hurry to change the spankbot back, or try and make that transformation permanent after Mxy goes home?
Alice and Karkat stare up at the ceiling, where six spanking paddles chase each other around a central strut. Air is circulated.
“I hope you recognize the lesson in this,” says Alice, and Karkat snarls to himself, takes the small comfort of the solid stamp of fangs against his lip. He’s not interested in listening to her. Alice has situated herself between Karkat and the room’s only exit; his palms itch where the handles of his sickles should be.
“What lesson? That it turns out, to the surprise of no one who *isn’t* a seg-fault addled buttock aficionado, the best way to end a stand-off with an omnipotent prankster god is NOT to yank him over your walk-prongs and give him a series of meticulous yet resoundingly forceful slaps on the waste chute? Yeah, right, thanks for the schoolfeeding credit, it’s been a fucking epiphany.”
“No,” says Alice, because this is the aftermath of the story. Mxyzptlk is no longer on our plane. “About breaking my things.”
(Alt ending: turns out Mxy was on our plane in the first place to respond to the spankbot dating ad. But then shenanigans.)
Who looks better in a suit, Kara Zor-El or Abed Nadir?
A deceptively hard question because, and I am sorry if you feel strongly otherwise, but neither of these people wear suits particularly well. We’ve seen the results with Abed in all their awkward glory and Kara... okay, there are so many different Karas, but none of them is a suit person. Casual wear or ridic alien wear, all good, but put her in a blouse or suit jacket and the Kara in my head gets all stilted, like what is this fabric and why is it touching me. You know, like those cats that don't understand why they are wearing booties.
So I am going to go with.... Abed.
Because, again, we *have* seen him in suits and I am aware those scenes do have their fans.
If it became the style to stick your fringe/bangs up like Cameron Diaz in There's Something about Mary, would Hyacinthe Cohen adopt it or decide not to follow the trend? How about Benjamin Sisko? Agatha Heterodyne?
Darling, Hyacinthe Cohen *started* it. And by the time it registered as a trend, he’s long since moved on.
And Agatha may have her bangs pointing along an upward vector, but this is coincidence as she wiped them back unthinkingly with a palm full of dissected monster gunk in a fit of mad scientific passion.
Troy Barnes and Rose Lalonde get married! But not to each other! To whom?
Hmm. Are we sure not to each other? I could kinda see that working. But sure. We are obviously, obviously, obviously talking Troy and Abed: In the chapel here.
Alas, I don’t know enough movies to guess which one the scenario would be playing off of. When Harry Met Sally? ...That’s it. That’s all my guesses. Instead of being a treatise on how women and men can’t be friends without inevitably giving into their carnal yearnings, it’s a parody of the bromance/slash-baiting thing tv has been doing lately.
Can two dudes share 1.27 separate lives and be each other’s Person, Grey’s Anatomy style, and tear off each other’s pants on camera, without taking their love to the logical next level? When Harry Met Sally parody logic says no.
And then Rose... am I limited to my remaining chosen cast? I guess I may as well be, her girlfriend is not really the marrying type, (as much as it pains me to avoid the pun on “Maryam” here).
All right, so what happens is Rose hears about the Cristina Yang Takes John And Karkat On An Ice Cream Outing events, as relayed by John’s impressively straight-faced IM summary after the fact. After waiting for a week or so, Rose acquires her an ice cream cone and tops it with gross alien condiments like “worm jelly” and “buzzbeast eyes” and stands just inside Karkat’s peripheral vision.
Karkat is entirely focused on applying a Mass Effect mod to give the Shepard character her own long, razor sharp horns, so when Rose passes him something he takes it without glancing over. Until it drips on his hand. Then he looks down. Then he gives a startled, hissing shriek and tumbles sideways out of his chair, spitting profanity. Rose collapses beside him, except she is only spitting giggles.
“Karkat!” John admonishes when he stumbles upon this scene. “As a friendly visitor from another world, you may not be aware of this fact, but getting married to more than one person is highly human-illegal. I hope Terezi doesn’t find these adorable wedding pictures that I am uploading to Instagram right now.” And then John gets smashed in the face with a snowball, flavoured with ethically harvested vanilla bean chunks and worm jelly.
The Old Spice Man is a dragon and telepathically bonded to Amanda Waller. What's the era? Are they cruising through the Napoleonic Wars or running a con in the 21st century? Or are they actually on Pern?
Look again: your man is now a dragon!
Anything is possible when you are attempting to fit yourself to a culture’s unconscious platonic ideal of masculinity and are not careful about who you are sampling?
Maybe they *are* on Pern.
Sadly I know nothing about Pern, so you will have to fill in the adventures of Amanda Waller: BAMF of Pern yourself.
Amanda Waller is determined to get back to Earth; alas, the Old Spice Man is distracted by attempting to convince his fellow man dragons to use Old Spice Scale Buffer and not a lady scented Scale Buffer!
Amanda’s best shot in getting him to cooperate with her goals is to continually remind him that the Earth still requires his attention in the Old Spice market share dept, and surely any proper manly smelling man makes certain the job is *finished* before pulling out?
She’s dealt with superheroes with stupider motivations. You just kind of have to aim him.
Benjamin Sisko and Hyacinthe Cohen encounter an unchaperoned child version of Cristina Yang. Do they sell it into slavery, keep it and raise it, or try to frame one another for its kidnapping?
Sisko wants to send her back to the last 20th Century, because of temporal prime directive reasons, and Cohen is like hahahahaha is that so, Gabriel Bell.
But by “version” do you mean “temporally displaced clone”? Because a version of Cristina Yang groomed by Sisko and Cohen would be, would be... Hmm.
I’m not questioning those two dudes their ability for subtly manipulative but overall p good child-rearing, but.... If you *tell* her about the original Dr Cristina Yang, remembered with awe by medical history, her life becomes a reaction to that. And if you don’t...
Cristina was self motivated by a childhood tragedy, by her helplessness in its face. Who would she have been otherwise? Someone similar, someone excellent at what she chooses to do, but would she be quite as driven? (Would she be happier?)
And this Cristina never would have a Meredith Grey to find. A sad ending, then.
Also I want to take a detour here to just note that a Cohen on DS9 fusion au would be kind of glorious. It is probably all kinds of illegal for him to smuggle himself to the edges of Federation Territory on account of he’s personally classed as a Federation Secret, but he is super interested in the Founders and their Great Link.
After all, Cohen is his own Great Link, in the fashion of Emergent Intelligences. He waxes and wanes with his component modules, and he’s just lost Catherine Li - too essential a piece of his soul, his motivation, his *protection* - to quasi-human fickleness, and his routing/decomposing algorithm set - too essential a piece of what might be called *intuition* - to full (if more singular) sentience.
He is lesser than he has been of recent, and brittle at the edges of his code. He examines these places with gentle caution and finds a flicker of borrowed sensation: the ache of a tongue probing along a loose tooth. Cohen kept Li’s memories in the divorce.
He kept more of them than she did.
Sisko & crew dig Cohen out from his hiding place among Quark’s bag of visually identical data processing crystals, which are set to be shipped through the wormhole. Activated in the holodeck for questioning, Cohen defaults to the image of a sharp eyed boy in soccer cleats. He blinks up at Sisko with mischief in his grin: Aw shucks, guv, you caught me; my hand simply slipped and *fell* into this cookie jar, I’m not even *hungry*, that's no bullshit at *all*.
He's solid, but it's imaging, not wetware, and only as representative of his emotions as he deigns it to be. The holographic projector flickers with the processing weight of his anger; Hycanithe merely bounces his football off an ankle, catches it, winks through long lashes. His socks are grass stained.
There’s no surprise at being found out - Security footage slots in like old knowledge. Five hours ago, and he's leaning in to flirt with a barmaid, and his shoulders roll through an elegant and charming and too entirely characteristic gesture. One level up, a speckle throated woman missteps. Double-takes.
Dax: version the latest, and *there* is a complicated acquaintance... but then how many aren't, once you string them out long enough.
Perhaps Cohen's even been forgiven by now.
His latest shunt sits stony faced in detention, glaring through the security field. She’s a Bajoran named Mandat Rygem, hard mouthed and less lovely than his usual 'faces, and his legal team is already mid-arrangement to get her off station. Rumours spread fast, and Bajorans don't keep much sympathy for those who trade in their will for kinder circumstances.
But Cohen likes that Mandat refuses to trust him, that - no matter how charismatic the company and generous the compensation - she never forgets she's being used.
Even data-stripped for travel, Cohen remembers Li staring into his eyes (borrowed this time from Roland) as though searching for someone else behind them. You wear people away...and that’s part of what she was running from, as though networking with Cohen could inflict psychic injury any more severe than what Li readily causes herself.
Offering a body-share contract to someone who will keep themselves guarded from him... either he’s still sulking and in the market for a supply of fresh recriminations, or he’s concerned Li might have been right. If Cohen recursed deeply enough into his affective sets, he might return with a definitive answer, but it is tedious to fully understand one’s own motives.
Hyacinthe kicks the ball at Sisko, and the holodeck gives him feedback in arrays of momentum change. No nerve delay, no muscle shift, no fuzzy affective chaining. He’s watching this scene from the outside, through cameras around the edge of the room.
The ball phases out intangible as it reaches Sisko’s head, and Sisko doesn’t flinch.
If the Federation was honestly worried about what would happen to their interplanetary networks if Cohen ceased to exist, they would let Cohen free to learn what he must.
Within every decade, all of Sisko’s cells are turned over into new, yet humans never imagine that Cohen’s own immortality trick is continual reinvention. That the secret to his relative longevity is pattern recognition, is knowing the points whereafter he must evolve or shatter.
Kara Zor-El and John Egbert are married when the zombie apocalypse arrives, and John Egbert is infected with totally unrelated parasitic worms. TELL ME ABOUT IT.
Of course they are married that is like established meme canon.
Well maybe the worms are the zombism vector and, no... that would be related.
Well maybe the grandiose imagery of the cherub species’ Final Snakey Form is misleading, and we are actually talking astronomical units on a microscopic scale. And John keeps getting killed by zombies and then, because gods revive through a process that emits cherub sexy-time pheromones - THIS IS WHAT HOMESTUCK FANS ACTUALLY BELIEVE - so teeny, horny cherub flukes keep being drawn to our corner of the multi-verse and burrowing into John’s flesh... it is a distracting side problem from the main apocalypse.
But maybe that is too fandom specific. Same with Kanaya testing out the parameters of her dietary needs...
Okay, a shameful secret maybe, but the Egbert men are not as great at cooking as fandom will tell you. Sure, John and his Dad baked together... a cake from a box of cakemix! *I* could bake a cake from a box of cakemix.
So when it is John’s turn to prepare the post-zombie collapse dinner scavengings, the results are not always 100% foodsafe approved. When he notices that he is infested with worms, he is most nonplussed, Kara. She had been aware of the worms the whole time, but assumed it was data not worthy of being passed on - he doesn’t seem to mind any of the other bugs or fungi or bacteria or anything swimming through his body, how was she supposed to guess the worms weren’t invited?
Oh sure, *now* he’s upset about them. Convenient.
Cristina Yang is an undercover policeman trying to ingratiate themselves with the mob; Alice Morgan is a weary, jaded piece of arm candy for one of the mafia boss' lieutenants, and developing a late-life urge for revenge. Do they strike a deal, start a pale/black flip, or just have moments of frozen empathy in crowded nightclubs?
Okay the thing about Cristina Yang and Alice Morgan is that they are both involved in pale OTPs that are the firm bedrock of their respective canons (although John Luther may fantasize otherwise), so is this occurring in the universe where Meredith Grey and Luther have been brutally murdered by some means? Oh well, I guess that is grim & gritty enough if we’re doing Noir!
Probably the mafia was behind their respective deaths. Hence the careful infiltration by their pale widows, each in their prefered official/unofficial fashion, each looking for revenge.
Alice ID’s Cristina as a nark immediately, but Alice keeps a special fascination for individuals she deems clever enough to recognize Alice's own genius, and Cristina - a Cristina honed bitter by grief, her focus true but shifted - is certainly *clever*. When Cristina realizes that Alice is on a parallel path to hers, they quickly go into cahoots! So not a pale/black flip after all, but I guess this would count as “a deal”. (Alice Morgan doesn’t do empathy.)
Eventually, to advance herself into the most trusted mafia circle, it becomes expedient for Alice to let her employers know of Cristina’s true identity - which she does without hesitation. Thus Cristina is brutally murdered in her turn, and Alice is granted the opportunity to destroy everyone she deems responsible for John Luther’s death.
And that last glance Cristina had sent her, before the blood splattered down, was it understanding or betrayal? It doesn’t matter, truly. If you asked Alice, she’d consider their bargain fully and fairly kept. (The one to Cristina and, far more importantly, the one to John Luther.)
So Alice walks away, so life goes on.
and last but not least
IS Karkat Vantas SECRETLY EVIL?
to be continued....
Crossposted from Dreamwidth, where there are comments.